Today the latest trailer for Bioware’s upcoming game Mass Effect: Andromeda was released, and the internet had some feelings, guys.
This latest trailer, whilst an improvement on the first, shows a fundamental misunderstanding of what Mass Effect fans want. Bioware has shown us gameplay, we’ve seen snippets of characters, we’ve had a teaser glimpse into the universe we’ll be inhabiting. We’re told we’re off charting new galaxies, far away from Commander Shepard and her war against the reapers. The game seems to carry a Star Trek-style spirit of adventure and discovery.
All irrelevant bollocks. Nevermind going where no man has gone before. I want to go where lots of men have gone before and fuck them. The Mass Effect trilogy is gaming’s longest space shagging simulator. Mass Effect 3’s finale saw an enormous fan backlash because Shepard spent the entire ending cinematic without abusing her power and sexually abusing every single man, woman and Turian under her command. It was criminal, and can never be forgiven.
It is disappointing, therefore, that only two short seconds of the latest trailer has been dedicated to Ryder getting his or her end away. I’m being generous there too, all we’ve seen so far is a bit of kissing. If Bioware has a shred of respect for its fanbase, the next trailer will be 3 minutes of watching it going in.
For context, the original Mass Effect trilogy was entirely supportive of inter-species sex. The first game allowed Shepard to fiddle with Liara’s blue lady bits, whilst the sequel finally settled the oft-debated question of the logistics of swallowing alien cum.
Despite the series being liberal enough to let degenerate perverts sleep with some lipless bird-human hybrid, one character was notable absent from the shaggin’ options. One beautiful, thoughtful creature. Somebody who needed you to heal their emotional scars, whilst still being strong enough to make you feel safe in their comparatively tiny arms. Someone who’s actions scream “stay away”, while their searching eyes beg you to come closer. I’m talking of course, about the true sex icon of the Mass Effect universe. My dear, beloved Wrex.
Despite 3 games’ worth of flirting, waiting and hoping, Bioware fans were left heartbroken, Not once could Shepard ever manage to bridge the gap between Wrex and herself. Not once was the sexual tension broken for one sweet, beautiful moment. The absence of a Wrex romance option is perhaps the greatest disappointment in video game history. One day, with a tear in my eye, I will tell my grandchildren about the Krogan who got away.
Now, the internet is no doubt ablaze with theories tearing this trailer apart for subtle hints about Andromeda – and well, it would be irresponsible for an irrelevant blog born from unemployment and misplaced egotism to be any different. So join me as I explain why Mass Effect: Andromeda will finally bring an end to the most severe case of blue balls in all of gaming history: Strap yourselves in lads, we’re going to fuck a Krogan.
Skip to 1:14 and you’ll be greeted by this image. The man, presumably the male Ryder, is lying on the ground with his arm outstretched, reaching out to a Krogan. Is he simply reaching out for support from an ally, or something more? Take note of the romantic mood lighting in the centre of the frame. The two are almost silhouetted against a raging sun. A star burning almost as hot as their passion, perhaps?
Compare this image to a still from the 1997 film Titanic.
The images, I’m sure you’ll agree, are almost identical. Both picture two lovers sharing a moment alone against a dramatic skyline. One in an embrace, another reaching out to be embraced. Whilst Jack and Rose have found comfort in each other, Ryder and his Krogan love are still in the early stages of their relationship. Nervously reaching out to each other, terrified of being hurt again. Indeed, this image is a perfect metaphor for Bioware fans’ persistently suppressed Krogan lust. After 3 games we’re afraid to take another risk. We’re scared of getting too attached too soon, and having our advances be denied yet again. Bioware knows this. This is a visual love poem, at long last.
Jump back to 1:09, and hear what Ryder says here: “I don’t need an army, I’ve got a Krogan”. What do armies symbolise to their country? Strength. Security. This is romance worthy of the Bard himself. Here Ryder is laying himself bare, throwing aside all other worldly concerns, feeling secure in the warmth of his love. Much like Ryder, we don’t need an army. We have our beloved Krogan now. Nothing can ever harm us.
Bioware are sending a clear message here. They’ve heard the fans, and are willing to correct their mistakes. In just under two minutes, they are clearly screaming from the rooftops: “We’ve heard you. Come and get some Krogan strange. We’re sorry. We’re so very, very sorry”. Their desperation for this message to reach the fans means this message becomes so obvious it’s almost tedious to point it out. Why are they still bothering to keep romance options a secret, when immediately after our visual metaphor for suppressed desires, we’re immediately confronted with tastefully framed dirty shagging?
Pay very close attention to the sequence of images here. Our hero lies on the ground, hand hesitantly reaching out to the Krogan. The Krogan gives meaningful consent, here represented by emotionally grasping his hand, pulling his delicate human frame closer for a romantic embrace. Immediately after this we see a representation of lust being consummated.
So to summarise: We have desire followed by consent, finalising in sex. I believe there’s nothing more to discuss here. There’s literally no other possible reading of this scene. Here we have Krogan romanced confirmed.
This may be perhaps the greatest trailer in history. Here Bioware have set the bar for developers across the world. Never before has so much subtext been presented so artistically before. Bravo, Bioware. Roll on March 23rd, when our prayers to the Krogan sex Gods will finally be answered.