The following features spoilers for Dragon Age 2 and Dragon Age: Inquisition.
Whilst not as successful as their flagship series Mass Effect, Bioware has seen significant success in the Dragon Age trilogy. The series has always seemed to be an area where Bioware feels free to experiment, free from the pressures of the Mass Effect juggernaut. As a result, each entry in the series has its own distinctive feel.
Despite the many changes the series goes through in each iteration, one Bioware staple remains constant: Dirty, dirty shagging. Much as Mass Effect is about shagging in space, Dragon Age is about shagging in the forest. Perhaps most insultingly, Dragon Age: Inquisition allowed players to fuck a Qunari, a giant slab of cow-meat who seem to be the fantasy counterparts to Mass Effect’s tragically unfuckable Krogans. They’re just rubbing this shit in our faces now.
A Bioware game with romance options is hardly anything new – if they ever had the sheer fucking gall to release a game without pixel genital-smashing there’d be riots in the street. However, perhaps thanks to the ubiquity of romance mechanics in their games, Bioware have managed to sneak in something nefarious. Something I believe may be part of a Government-funded study into gamers around the world.
Dragon Age Inquisiton’s romance options are trying to weed out the disgusting pervert psychopaths amongst us.
The Voigt-Kampff test, seen in Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? (and its film adaptation Blade Runner) is a series of questions to evaluate a subject’s humanity in order to identify replicants hiding within society. I believe the Dragon Age developers, ever fond of experimenting with the series, slipped their own version of this test into the game unnoticed – Until now.
Inquistion features a variety of fuck options to choose from, such as the charming elf Sera or the BDSM sex-meat Iron Bull. Inquisiton earned admiration from fans for representing people from all walks of life – And then allowing players to fuck them silly. It seems odd, therefore, that the developers thought to add a goddamm psychopath to the sex roster.
Dragon Age: Inquisition features the most the most loathsome, monstrous character in all of fiction. Every polygon of his being has been designed with pure, unadulterated evil. If there is a hell, Solas is waiting for us all down there. Not satisified with inflicting this monster upon the world, Bioware went one step further: They let us fuck this elf-Hitler.
Solas, who spends much of the game being an arrogant prick to everybody within a 50 mile radius, shocks nobody at the end of the game by turning traitor. This elf-fuck, it is revealed, is the root cause of the problems the Inquisitor faces in the game, having provided the antagonist with the power to threaten Thedas. Solas is a villain from the moment you meet him. In fact, the game’s mod community have recently discovered that images of burning kittens are frequently reflected in his eyes, which can be seen during pivotal moments in the plot. Solas is so obviously villainous that it’s bizzare to think Bioware intended this as a surprising plot twist.
Of course, they intended no such thing. As an act of public service, Bioware have been secretly tracking players who romanced this sex-Stalin, in order to send their details onto the relevant authorities. The team rightfully assumed that any “Solasmancers” (to use the medical term) are fundamentally broken people, and must be separated from functional human beings for the good of society.
The series has previous experience in the field of shaggable sociopaths, with Dragon Age 2 featuring the character Anders, the horny mage-terrorist.
Anders, who mostly serves as the game’s walking erection, surprised players by suddenly becoming a mage extremist in the game’s finale, killing hundreds as he blows up the Chantry in a terrorist attack. It is my belief that Anders provided the inspiration for this experiment. Whilst Dragon Age 2 may have tricked players into fucking a dangerous lunatic, Inquisition is designed to test which of us will knowingly romance a sociopath.
Whilst the arrests have yet to be publicised, the police appear to have launched a To Catch a Predator-style sting operation designed to root out these dangerous perverts, encouraging them to join communities to discuss their perversions.
Despite these valiant efforts, some of these disturbed individuals still walk amongst us. Her Majesty’s Government would like to remind readers to remain vigilant, and report any Solas trash to the nearest police station so that they can receive immediate psychiatric care. With your help, we can put an end to this illness.